Monday, April 7, 2008

Jackie Joyner-Outlaw?

OK, I’ve been meaning to write about this for quite some time, but thanks to my hectic schedule of hanging out, watching sports, drinking beer, and occasionally working, I just haven’t found the time. Well, with the Blazer’s season all but officially over and fantasy baseball having yet to fully take over my life, I’ve finally been able to find the time to broach a very serious and important topic: Travis Outlaw’s real mother.

Now, I have nothing but the utmost respect for the entire Outlaw family, and don’t want to suggest any sort of shenanigans on the part of any of the senior members of said family. But, I’ve been presented with the sort of visual evidence that can be only described as “startling.” Based on this evidence (see below), I am fully comfortable declaring that Travis Outlaw must be not only related to, but the direct offspring of USA Track & Field legend and 6-time Olympic Medalist, Jackie Joyner-Kersee.

While the entire Outlaw family is littered with athletes (his brother and father were both small college basketball stars), Travis is the indisputable FREAK of the bunch. He’s a lanky (understatement alert!) 6’9”, and can reportedly touch the top of the backboard (remember folks, Superman himself came about 6 inches short in the ’07 Dunk Contest). Now, I’d be more impressed by that except that I think he could probably touch the top of the square without even jumping, thanks to his tentacle-like arms, but that's a discussion for another day.

(Sidenote to Jay-Z: Sure, it's a great line and all, but “We can get paper longer than Pippen’s arms” is becoming dated. He’s been out of the league for half a decade, and he hasn’t exactly stuck around the public consciousness during that span. It might be time to update the lyrics for the next generation of fans of Blazers small forwards. I think “We can get paper longer than Troutlaw’s arms” has a nice ring to it, don’t ya think?)

Simply put, if you were to construct a super athlete from a purely physical standpoint, he’d look awfully like Travis Outlaw. Likewise, if you were to construct the ultimate female athlete, you’d simply clone Jackie Joyner-Kersee.

So, based off the sheer physical abilities of the two, it’s not hard to imagine the Travis and Jackie residing under the same family tree. Throw in the unmistakable similarities (is there a stronger word I can use to describe how identical they are? Exactilarities, maybe?), and you start to see where conspiracy theorists come from. Are they more than just related? Could Travis Outlaw really be a 46 year old woman?

Well they pass the eye test. You put a wig and a tracksuit on Travis, and he could’ve snuck right on to that medal stand in Barcelona to accept Jackie’s Gold Medal. Likewise, shave her bald, hand her a basketball and an “Outlaw” jersey, and I don’t think anyone would bat an eye when she checked in for Joel Przybilla late in the 1st Quarter. We could have been looking at a modern day Ladybugs, spanning 2 sports and 4 decades.

Sure it sounds crazy, but take a moment and think about it a little bet.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee was as awesome an athlete as the Olympic Games has ever seen, dominating her way to back-to-back Heptathlon Gold Medals in ’88 and ’92 (to go with the Silver in ’84). Wouldn’t it explain A LOT if it turned out she was not only a man, but a man who’s often described as a Freak Show in the Land of Freak Shows that is the NBA?

Travis Outlaw is an up and comer in the NBA, who’s always had the athleticism to be a star, but has lacked the basketball acumen that most “natural” basketball players are seemingly born with. He came into the league as raw as it comes, and is just now making the transition from “athlete” to “basketball player.” Would you be all that surprised if he were a former world class athlete who decided to conquer the world of team sports, after proving themselves as the greatest individual athlete of their generation?

Well, I would have been all but convinced that they were not only related, but the SAME PERSON, had it not been for the wonderful Blazer broadcast crew and their never ending quest to show each and every celebrity and pseudo-celebrity to witness a Blazer game in person.

On February 29th, 2008 both Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Travis Outlaw were finally in the same place, at the same time. Travis was abusing kobe bryant (seriously, watch the tapes) to the tune of 18 points off the bench, in leading the Blazers to a 119-111 victory over the despicable lakers, and Jackie was sitting there courtside taking it all in.

Some might question the validity of this statement, due largely to the fact that February 29th is leap day, meaning it is not a real day and thus does not bind itself by the physical laws of the known universe. However, when combined with the other pieces of evidence (most notably the 4 decade span of dominance), it becomes much more clear that Travis is simply Jackie’s illegitimate son. There’s just no way around it.

Now, the only question that remains is: How did this happen?

Well, I’m not about to suggest any sort of secret adoption, or impropriety on behalf of either Mr. or Mrs. Outlaw. I’m assuming the answer is much more logical. It was probably a simple instance of an inadvertent, unbeknownst, and utterly immaculate conception, where the son of a track god was inexplicably placed inside of the matriarch of a small Starksville, Mississippi family.

Based off of this evidence, I have no choice but to officially, and publicly, challenge LeBron James’ exclusive usage of the nickname “The Chosen One.” The evidence clearly suggests that not only should LeBron’s sole possession of the “Chosen One” moniker be challenged, but that the interim usage of the name should belong to one Travis Outlaw, and not the consistently overhyped Mr. James. (Overhyped, not overrated. The guy is great, but it’s not like he’s some sort of god. Come on people, get ahold of yourselves!)

Fortunately for everyone, Travis is already in possession of one of the most spectacularly perfect nicknames in the NBA today (Troutlaw!!!!), and does not have the need to assert his newly acquired name in any official manner. Instead, for the betterment of the world, he will retain a controlling interest in the name, but simply sit on it, not allowing anyone else to claim it as their own.

What are we to conclude from all of this? Is Travis Outlaw really some sort of athletic god? Well, that is for each person to decide on their own. But, personally, I think we might be ready to see something special.

“Shhhhh”, though. It’ll be a lot more fun if no one sees it coming.


Bonus Quiz! Try to identify whether each photo is of Travis Outlaw or Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Post your answers in the Comments. I'll follow up in a couple days with the correct answers. Winner receives a free lifetime membership to Raef Is About Power! (Be carefull, some of the photos aren't as obvious as they seem!)

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