Jackie Joyner-Outlaw?

OK, I’ve been meaning to write about this for quite some time, but thanks to my hectic schedule of hanging out, watching sports, drinking beer, and occasionally working, I just haven’t found the time. Well, with the Blazer’s season all but officially over and fantasy baseball having yet to fully take over my life, I’ve finally been able to find the time to broach a very serious and important topic: Travis Outlaw’s real mother.

Now, I have nothing but the utmost respect for the entire Outlaw family, and don’t want to suggest any sort of shenanigans on the part of any of the senior members of said family. But, I’ve been presented with the sort of visual evidence that can be only described as “startling.” Based on this evidence (see below), I am fully comfortable declaring that Travis Outlaw must be not only related to, but the direct offspring of USA Track & Field legend and 6-time Olympic Medalist, Jackie Joyner-Kersee.

While the entire Outlaw family is littered with athletes (his brother and father were both small college basketball stars), Travis is the indisputable FREAK of the bunch. He’s a lanky (understatement alert!) 6’9”, and can reportedly touch the top of the backboard (remember folks, Superman himself came about 6 inches short in the ’07 Dunk Contest). Now, I’d be more impressed by that except that I think he could probably touch the top of the square without even jumping, thanks to his tentacle-like arms, but that's a discussion for another day.

(Sidenote to Jay-Z: Sure, it's a great line and all, but “We can get paper longer than Pippen’s arms” is becoming dated. He’s been out of the league for half a decade, and he hasn’t exactly stuck around the public consciousness during that span. It might be time to update the lyrics for the next generation of fans of Blazers small forwards. I think “We can get paper longer than Troutlaw’s arms” has a nice ring to it, don’t ya think?)

Simply put, if you were to construct a super athlete from a purely physical standpoint, he’d look awfully like Travis Outlaw. Likewise, if you were to construct the ultimate female athlete, you’d simply clone Jackie Joyner-Kersee.

So, based off the sheer physical abilities of the two, it’s not hard to imagine the Travis and Jackie residing under the same family tree. Throw in the unmistakable similarities (is there a stronger word I can use to describe how identical they are? Exactilarities, maybe?), and you start to see where conspiracy theorists come from. Are they more than just related? Could Travis Outlaw really be a 46 year old woman?

Well they pass the eye test. You put a wig and a tracksuit on Travis, and he could’ve snuck right on to that medal stand in Barcelona to accept Jackie’s Gold Medal. Likewise, shave her bald, hand her a basketball and an “Outlaw” jersey, and I don’t think anyone would bat an eye when she checked in for Joel Przybilla late in the 1^st Quarter. We could have been looking at a modern day Ladybugs, spanning 2 sports and 4 decades.

Sure it sounds crazy, but take a moment and think about it a little bet.

Jackie Joyner-Kersee was as awesome an athlete as the Olympic Games has ever seen, dominating her way to back-to-back Heptathlon Gold Medals in ’88 and ’92 (to go with the Silver in ’84). Wouldn’t it explain A LOT if it turned out she was not only a man, but a man who’s often described as a Freak Show in the Land of Freak Shows that is the NBA?

Travis Outlaw is an up and comer in the NBA, who’s always had the athleticism to be a star, but has lacked the basketball acumen that most “natural” basketball players are seemingly born with. He came into the league as raw as it comes, and is just now making the transition from “athlete” to “basketball player.” Would you be all that surprised if he were a former world class athlete who decided to conquer the world of team sports, after proving themselves as the greatest individual athlete of their generation?

Well, I would have been all but convinced that they were not only related, but the SAME PERSON, had it not been for the wonderful Blazer broadcast crew and their never ending quest to show each and every celebrity and pseudo-celebrity to witness a Blazer game in person.

On February 29^th, 2008 both Jackie Joyner-Kersee and Travis Outlaw were finally in the same place, at the same time. Travis was abusing kobe bryant (seriously, watch the tapes) to the tune of 18 points off the bench, in leading the Blazers to a 119-111 victory over the despicable lakers, and Jackie was sitting there courtside taking it all in.

Some might question the validity of this statement, due largely to the fact that February 29^th is leap day, meaning it is not a real day and thus does not bind itself by the physical laws of the known universe. However, when combined with the other pieces of evidence (most notably the 4 decade span of dominance), it becomes much more clear that Travis is simply Jackie’s illegitimate son. There’s just no way around it.

Now, the only question that remains is: How did this happen?

Well, I’m not about to suggest any sort of secret adoption, or impropriety on behalf of either Mr. or Mrs. Outlaw. I’m assuming the answer is much more logical. It was probably a simple instance of an inadvertent, unbeknownst, and utterly immaculate conception, where the son of a track god was inexplicably placed inside of the matriarch of a small Starksville, Mississippi family.

Based off of this evidence, I have no choice but to officially, and publicly, challenge LeBron James’ exclusive usage of the nickname “The Chosen One.” The evidence clearly suggests that not only should LeBron’s sole possession of the “Chosen One” moniker be challenged, but that the interim usage of the name should belong to one Travis Outlaw, and not the consistently overhyped Mr. James. (Overhyped, not overrated. The guy is great, but it’s not like he’s some sort of god. Come on people, get ahold of yourselves!)

Fortunately for everyone, Travis is already in possession of one of the most spectacularly perfect nicknames in the NBA today (Troutlaw!!!!), and does not have the need to assert his newly acquired name in any official manner. Instead, for the betterment of the world, he will retain a controlling interest in the name, but simply sit on it, not allowing anyone else to claim it as their own.

What are we to conclude from all of this? Is Travis Outlaw really some sort of athletic god? Well, that is for each person to decide on their own. But, personally, I think we might be ready to see something special.

“Shhhhh”, though. It’ll be a lot more fun if no one sees it coming.

Bonus Quiz! Try to identify whether each photo is of Travis Outlaw or Jackie Joyner-Kersee. Post your answers in the Comments. I'll follow up in a couple days with the correct answers. Winner receives a free lifetime membership to Raef Is About Power! (Be carefull, some of the photos aren't as obvious as they seem!)

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Raef Whistle: The lakers

From time to time, there are people in and around the sports world, who do things so unapologetically horrendous that their behavior just has to be pulled out into the open, with a big ol' spotlight shined on them, while the entire world points and laughs. Well, here at Reaf Is About Power, we are taking it a step further. We're going to blow the Raef Whistle on them. Why a Raef Whistle? Because there's nothing more humiliating than being at a party and delecatly making your "move" on a drunken co-ed, only to have her turn around, scream bloody murder, and blow a loud ass whistle in your face as she's pointing directly at you with uncontrollable tears streaming down her face. All the while, you stand around with that terrified look on your face, and for a moment, you think you might be going to jail, even though you didn't do anything that bad. Wow. Talk about awkward. Well, in honor of that lying bitch and her attention whoreing ways, let me dress up in my sluttiest little school girl outfit and start calling some of these grabby mo-fo's out! First up…

The lakers.

Seriously. Fuck those guys.

I hate them. I hate them with every bone in my body. I hate that they play in LA. I hate that their fans are the most biased, homer fans on the planet. I hate that the media assumes that everyone wants to hear about the lakers, because “love em or hate em, their interesting.” I hate them so much that I’d rather watch 3 hours of consecutive “House of Payne” advertisements than a single second of a lakers game (that’s not vs. the Blazers, of course). If I could completely remove the lakers from my life, I would.

Yet, for some reason or another, they are constantly shoved down my throat. They are on a nationally televised game AT LEAST once a week, and I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that they played 109 nationally televised, regular season games this year. If that’s not enough, I can’t turn on ESPN (or my computer, for that matter) without someone debating whether or not kobe is better than someone he clearly isn’t. If I listened to NBA talking heads, I’d be convinced that kobe was the second coming. No, not of Michael Jordan, but of Jesus Christ. I’d also be sure that Big Bird Gasol was a European Kevin McHale, Sasha Vujacic was the new “Microwave” and that Lamar Odom wouldn’t choke in the playoffs. Right.

If having a relentlessly over-hyped team, with idiot fans, and a history of handing my Blazers debilitating playoff losses, all while being located in the urban hell-hole that is Los Angeles, isn’t enough (and it’s plenty), look at their current roster. It’s like GM Mitch Kupcheck dedicated his life to creating a roster with the only goal to spite me. Well, congrats Mitch, it worked. You have successfully put together a team made up of bits and pieces of all the things I find revolting about NBA teams of yore:

• The smug sense of entitlement of past lakers teams without the, well, success of past laker teams.



• The ability to bitch and complain about every single call, no matter how obviously correct the call was, and in the process, passing the Spurs as the whiniest time in the league. (which is no small feat, I might add)



• Derek Fisher



• A bevy of ugly looking, ugly playing Euro's who are playing WAY better than players of their talent ever should, including a giant bird-looking thing playing center.
  Steve Javie (who I’m thoroughly convinced has been on the laker payroll for at least the past decade)

All that, and that doesn’t even take into consideration that the “leader” of this unholy squad is none other than the most detestable athlete to grace this planet since umm…. ever? I mean, this is the guy who was loudly booed while receiving the All-Star Game MVP... in his hometown. He’s, by all accounts, an articulate, well learned man who was raised by a good family who brought him up right. Yet, he plays the game with as much class as drunken little league dad. Seriously. He gets more “favorable” calls than anyone in the league, but still pisses and moans EVERY time down the court, regardless of the outcome. It’s almost as if his mom calls him before every game and tells him he’s the best, and she’s POSITIVE he’ll win tonight. Then, once anything starts to go against him (or could be in any way construed as potentially going against him), he throws a hissy fit like a spoiled 8 year old. It’s absolutely aggravating to watch. I just want to pull a Homer Simpson and wring his little neck while screaming a long string of nonsensical obscenities.

Now, partner that guy with the increasingly loathsome dirtbag that is Lamar Odom, and you have the foundations for one of the most unlikable teams in my lifetime. Remember, Odom is the guy with loads of talent and the work ethic of a guy who hasn’t been more than 15 yards from his bong since he was 14 (coincidence?). What’s more is, that in order to differentiate himself from the countless other all-talent-no-drive basketball players that have paraded through the NBA over the past decades, he’s taking on the role of “enforcer” on a laker team full of tissue soft “skill” players. To Odom, that means shoving players as they drive to the basket, taking cheap shots on star players and following 6’3”point guards into team huddles to continue in a pathetic attempt to “prove your toughness.”

Having said that, none of that is what continually fuels my deep, dark hatred of the team called the lakers, in a city with no lakes. What truly lifts the lakers below such loathsome teams as the current batch of Spurs, and the Bad Boy era Pistons, is the fans. Sure every team has their idiot fans, but the lakers seem to have nothing but idiot fans. If you don’t think kobe is the best player ever, you’re not an educated basketball fan, you’re a “hater.” If you dare question the lakers as the best team on the planet, well, then you’re also a “hater” (yeah, their creative, too). Arguing with a laker fan, is like arguing with a 3 year old. They only have so much knowledge and brain power at their disposal, so the options of sense and reason quickly go out the window. Wanna see for yourself? Here’s an actual transcript of a conversation that I had with a laker fan earlier in the year, after yet another laker loss in Portland (that’s 6 in a row and 19 of 23 in Portland, and a tie for the season series, making it ONE season series victory for the lakers vs. the Blazers since 92-93. ONE. Oh, and Phil Jackson is 15-16 vs. the Blazers as the laker coach. Suck on that, fake show!).


Me: You enjoy yet another beat down at the hands of the mighty Blazers?
laker fan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. See you in the playoffs… Oh, wait, you’ll be sitting at home while the lakers are winning the championship this June.
Me: Ha! They’ll choke like they always do, don’t worry…. I’m not too worried anyways, next year is the year the Blazers begin their takeover!
laker fan: Blazers? Takeover? Hahaha! Not with the lakers around, it’ll be laker domination for decades!
Me: Umm… You keep believing that. But just you wait. Last year’s squad took down the “mighty lakers” twice, and they’ll add Oden to the middle, plus All-Euro Rudy Fernandez, and you best believe that BRoy and TheMarcus are gonna get better with the extra help. Throw in Mr. 4th Quarter, the man known as Troutlaw, and you should be shaking in your boots. Oden>Bynum (and less hurt!), LMA>Big Bird, and Roy ain’t no ko-bitch (thank god!), but he ain’t far behind, and he’s much younger! Get used to the 2nd Round playoff beatdowns, because they’ll be becoming quite common in faker-land.
laker fan: Whatever, I don’t even know why I’m talking to you, you’re just a stupid Blazer fan. Get back to me when you guys win a championship.
Me: Well, we did. 1977. Often regarded as one of the best teams in NBA history.
laker fan: HA! One championship? We have 14. Loser. Just you watch, the lakers are gonna dominate for the next decade!
Me: Umm. Sure. Except that you’re star player is getting older, and the cast around him is good, but not great. You go and try to win a ring with Pau and Odom as major pieces. Good luck with that. Once kobe starts his slide, it’s all over for you faker fans! Plus, Portland is already wHoopin their asses, and they’re the 3rd youngest team EVER!
laker fan: That don’t matter. It’s kobe. We’re the lakers. We’ve won 14 championships.
Me: Ummm…. What does that have to do with anything?
laker fan: It matters, cause we’re the lakers. We win championships. We’ve won 14!
Me: Cool! Get used to that number, because it ain’t changing for a while there, buddy!
laker fan: Nope. kobe’s the best ever. He’ll win us a couple more. I mean, c’mon! We’re the lakers! We’ve won 1, 2, 3, 4… 14 championships! You’re the Blazers. You won one championship, and it was 30 years ago. HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: I get it. You were good. Now, what does that have to do with the present OR the future!?!?!?!!?
laker fan: You don’t get it. We’re THE lakers. We win championships. That’s what we do. We’ve got 14!
Me: Holy crap! Welcome to 2008, bucko! The past doesn’t matter. It’s all about the future, and the future is the Portland Trail Blazers, bitch! Get used to it!
laker fan: 14 rings!
Me [shaking head]: Wow. You don’t get this whole past, present, future thing, do ya? I don’t even know why I bother.

I’ve had some variation of that conversation with AT LEAST 10 laker fans. Each time it ends the EXACT same way. laker fan stops using basketball points (assuming they started using basketball points in the first place), and starts yelling, louder and louder, how many championships they’ve won, like it’s the determining factor in who gets to play in the Finals each year. It’s a similar argument that gets made by idiot fans of the “dominant” team in any sport. Cowboy fan. yankee fan. Whatever the cocky ass team is in the NHL. Except that with laker fan, it makes less sense. Sure, they’ve been one of the premier NBA teams for decades, but why trumpet the fact that you’ve won 14 championships (with 5 of them coming in Minneapolis, over FIFTY years ago), when there is a team in Boston who can simply tap you on the shoulder, and shut you up with one word. Sixteen.

What kind of idiot fans use “We’re #2!” as their trump card? What kind of team expects a championship, not because of their players, but because of their team name? What kind of bandwagon is overflowing with people who aren’t even sure what the bandwagon is for, just that everyone they know is on it?

Yes, you guessed it. The worst kind there is. The laker kind.

NBA Refs: What the $#%@?!?!

Part II: The Solution

I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t know the first thing about training or coaching professional basketball referees. That’s where the changes are going to be needed in order to see any real progress. However, there are things that can be done on a more basic level that I think can help alleviate some of the problems, and eliminate some of the factors working against NBA referees.

The most glaring problem I see is that the average age of an NBA referee is around 45 years old, with the oldest being 70 year old Jack Nies. 70! That’s 15 years past retirement age. And he’s supposed to run up and down with some of the greatest athletes on the planet, while keeping a keen eye on all of them, and do so, of course without any relief. Heck, even the best conditioned athletes in the league take a break from time to time. No wonder they have problems. That’s a tall order.

So, since age discrimination is illegal in this country, and since it takes years of training to become an NBA level basketball referee, the age issue is difficult to fix. We’re gonna have to look at other areas to improve things.

What I propose is that the NBA adds an extra on-court official to all games. It’s a simple adjustment that I think will noticeably improve the quality of officiating in today’s NBA. The current 3 man teams just aren’t cutting it, and it shouldn’t be a surprise. There are simply fundamental deficiencies in the system, especially when the situation is compounded by adding in some of the best athletes in the world.

Think about it. There are 3 people in charge of monitoring 10 people, spread across a court that is 94 feet wide and 50 feet long. That’s 4700 square feet to keep an eye on at all times, or just under 1600 sq ft per person. Now, granted, the game is played mostly on one side of the court at a time, but that still leaves about 800 square feet to keep an eye on. That’s still a lot, especially considering the increasing popularity of the run and gun styles of teams like Phoenix and Golden State, and the speed at which even predominantly half court teams, such as San Antonio and Detroit, play at.

With 4 refs, there would not only be more eyes watching the action, but it would allow the referees to reposition themselves for better sightlines to the ball with less fear of “abandoning” an area. I’ve seen too many games where crucial calls are missed, simply because a referee didn’t have a good angle on the call, or his view was obstructed for some reason.

Another advantage of the extra referee would be to limit the required court coverage of each official. It’s absolutely ludicrous to have 40, 50 and 60 year old men running up and down the court with world class athletes in their 20’s and 30’s. With a 4^th official, a rotation could easily be worked out where the longest an individual ref would travel would be no more than half the length of the court.

You would have two officials (one on each end; 1 & 4) under the baskets who would roam the baseline while the ball is on their end of the court, and then trail the action as it heads up the court, positioning himself just short of mid-court line, slightly shaded to one side. He would be primarily out of the play at this point, although he would still be able to make calls that happen around the perimeter. His primary objective, however, would be to lead the action back down the court, particularly on fast breaks, almost as if he were a cherry-picking defensive player. Under no circumstances should a player ever get behind him (If a player stays back, like Shaq has been doing on Phoenix, then the ref should stay with him).

I’ve seen WAY too many examples of players (particularly the “Superstars”) driving for contested lay-ups on a fast break and getting the “benefit of the doubt” on a foul call, only to see a replay that shows they were either untouched, or actually responsible for the contact themselves. On a vast majority of these plays you can specifically see the (obviously) much slower footed ref, trailing the play, and struggling to find a good sight angle on the shot. With the 4^th official leaking out at the first sign of a player turning his head down the court, he should be able to comfortably get himself into position under the hoop by the time the ball arrives.

The other two referees (2 & 3) would patrol the sidelines, with each side being primarily shaded to the back or front ends (depending on which side of the court the action was on). One would be positioned more towards the baseline, while the other would be shaded towards the mid court line. Once the ball settles into the half court, they would then position themselves as normal, for a better view of the action, although never straying too far from their “position”.

Not only would this positioning allow for more eyes and better views in the half court set, it would VASTLY improve the viewing angles on fast breaks. Due to the staggered set up, once play switched directions and headed back down court, each ref would be in an advantageous position during the entirety of the play.

During a fast break, the trailing official (4) becomes the lead (as discussed before), while the sideline official shaded towards mid court (3) begins trailing the players who have leaked out on the break, meaning that there is an official with a good view of both the front end and trailing end of the break.

Once the other players start to fill in (the secondary break), the first sideline official will have a good view of the action from the front side, while the other sideline official (2) is able to wait back a bit, trail the secondary action, and be able to assess the action from behind. Meanwhile, the “4^th official” (1) is, again, trailing the play behind the stragglers, while also preparing for a sudden shift in action caused by a steal or other unforeseen change of possession.

With this set up, each official is actually encouraged to “stay back” more, since there is more “help” on the court, while their spacing benefits their court coverage. It also helps conserve energy, which can only enhance their ability to make quick, concise calls throughout the game.

While I think a 4^th official would be a fantastic start, I believe the overall league refereeing could benefit further from a 5^th official. “5^th?” You say. “Isn’t the court already crowded enough?” Well, yes, it is, and that is why my proposed 5^th official would be positioned at the scorers table, handling all official scoring duties, as well as having a television monitor in front of him.

With the league already having gone through an embarrassing situation in Atlanta, where the official scorer “accidentally” disqualified Shaq after his fifth foul, there is no better time than now to put a properly trained, NBA employee at each scorers table to oversee the process. Also, he could be watching the game from a television monitor and have the advantage of seeing instant replays. This would not only allow him to assess the effectiveness of the on-court quartet (and pass along observations constructively at stoppages of play), but he would also be able to make scoring decisions on plays that need to be observed more closely (most notably 2-point/3-point calls).

I personally watched an overtime game this year (Portland vs. Toronto on ????) in which a Jose Calderon made a long 2 with his toe on the line, late in the overtime, but was mistakenly given 3 points. On the next trip down court (the final possession of the overtime), Brandon Roy made a miraculous 3 that should have been the game winning basket. However due to the scoring error (and yes, it was a blatant error, as replays showed), the game proceeded into double-OT and the Raptors prevailed.

Now, I’m not implying that the game was specifically lost on that play, as any number of situations could have played out in those final seconds had it been a 2 point game instead of a 3 point game. However, it is also very conceivable that the Blazers would still have gone for a 3, being on the road, already in OT, and on the first game of a 7-game Eastern Conference road trip. Either way, it was a mistake that shouldn’t have been made, and could have easily been prevented with an ACTUAL “official scorer.”

At the moment, there are already four officials assigned to every game. There are three game officials, and an emergency “back-up official”, who is on site and ready to step in, in the event of an injury or any other situation that prevents one of the officials from finishing the game. It would be this emergency official who would man the scorers table and watch the television monitor. In the case an on-court official needed to be replaced, the 5^th official could vacate his position for the more pressing need on the court. In addition, the injured official may take over the score table position if he were in good enough condition to do so (i.e. sprained ankle, cramping, etc).

Another potential benefit of this 5^th official would be to allow for each in-game official to take a quarter (or however long) off and rest at the score table position. Referees already switch up their “positions” during games, so this wouldn’t be much of a stretch strategically. Considering that even the most well conditioned NBA players take a rest during most games, it seems only logical that the referees who are, in general, decades older, should be afforded the same opportunity. It just makes sense.

Now, I’m not naïve enough to assume that these changes will reduce the mistakes made by referees to zero. However, with the state of officiating seemingly sinking to new lows each year, it’s about time the NBA takes the situation seriously and tries to institute some sort of change. The changes proposed here are relatively simple to institute. They only require increasing number of official present at each game from 4 to 5, and would unquestionably have a positive impact on the quality of the officiating in the league. If nothing else, it would show a concerted effort by the league to address what is increasingly being identified as it’s biggest on-court problem. After years of sub-standard officiating, it’s the absolute least they could do. Well, except for, you know… continuing to ignore it.

NBA Refs: What the $#%@?!?!

Part I: The Problem

Last week, I watched what was, without a doubt one of the most remarkable Blazer-laker games in recent memory. Not because it featured a young Blazer team playing phenomenal basketball in dismantling a talented laker team, and ending their 10-game winning streak. No, it was because that Blazer-laker game was unquestionably, the worst officiated basketball game I have ever seen. Now, as a lifelong Blazer fan, I’ve come to expect poor officiating every time they play the lakers, as the superstar call has been a stalwart on their roster for as long as I can remember. The list of laker greats in my lifetime alone is a mile long. Magic, Kareem, Shaq, kobe, Javie, Donaghy, Salvadore. But, in all those years, with all those superstars, there has never been a game quite like this.

To be fair, the game was poorly officiated on both ends. As a Blazer fan, I’m much more likely to notice the bevy of calls that kobe gets, mostly where he drives to the basket, heaves his body toward the rim in hopes of drawing contact, and then bitches when the call isn’t made (regardless of whether he was actually fouled or not). This was particularly obvious right from the outset of this game. Now, as any NBA fan knows, foul calls are mostly subjective. For the most part, you can make an argument for and against every foul call, depending on the team you are rooting for. So, I’m going to mostly skip over this aspect of the game, as it’s basically an invitation to argue in circles with laker fans. There were however, multiple calls that were indisputably bad. I’m talking so bad that there is ZERO excuse for these calls being made (or not made) in ANY level of basketball, particularly the NBA.

First, on the highlight reel reverse layup that kobe got fouled on (biting tongue…HARD), it appeared that one of his feet may have landed before he released the shot, which would be an obvious travel call. Now, I haven’t been able to find a video of the shot that includes his feet (conspiracy!), so I can’t say this with any certainty (although I have read several accounts from those at the game that his foot did touch). What I can say, with certainty, is that if he did in fact come down before releasing his shot, there is NO excuse for missing that call. There are 3 officials on the court at all times. At least one of them should be looking for this call on every drive to the hoop, no exceptions. It’s a basic part of the game, and an easy one to watch. Although, without further proof, this is a moot argument. Let’s move on.

The second play I want to mention occurred in the final minute of the game. After Jarrett Jack secured an important rebound that all but ended the game, three lakers converged on him in an attempt to strip the ball, and ultimately foul him, in order to extend the game. All three players reached across Jack’s body, slapping at his hands and arms, and getting a little ball in the process. What do the refs do? Call a jump ball of course. And who gets to do the jump ball with the 6’3” Jack? That’s right, the tallest of the three, 6’10” Lamar Odom. Now, you might be saying to yourself “Didn’t you just say that you are not going to discuss foul calls?”. Yes I did. But, in these end of game situations, where referees know that the defense is trying to foul, it warrants mention. The lakers were trying to foul Jarret Jack. However, apparently the refs instead decided that a jump ball between the 6’10” Odom and the 6’3” Jack would work more in their favor. Nice.

“OK,” you say, “but, these calls happen all the time in the NBA. What makes this game any different from the dozens upon dozens of poorly officiated NBA games that happen every year?” I’ll tell you what does. This game was not only poorly officiated throughout, but it also contained what might have been the worst call in NBA history.

With about 2 minutes left in the 4^th quarter, and the lakers trying to make a late rally, they took a long 3 point attempt. The ball missed, bounced up off the rim, hit the top of the backboard, and bounced directly over the center of the backboard. On the way down, it hit a wire (or something) behind the backboard, and fell down into the hands of Pau Gasol, who took the rebound, and kicked it out for an open 3 (which was thankfully missed, or I might have had roundhouse kicked my TV).

Let me repeat that. The ball bounced up and over the backboard, and even made contact with something on the way down. I’m not talking about a ball that bounced haphazardly off the rim, and may or may not have gone over the corner of the backboard. This ball bounced straight up, and over the middle of the backboard. It was a CLEAR violation of one of the basic rules of basketball. There are three referees on the court at all times, and NONE of them saw this? Really? That’s virtually impossible, right? That means one of three things happened.

Either,

1. All three refs weren’t watching the basketball for AT LEAST 3 to 4 seconds
2. All three refs just flat out don’t know one of the basic rules of basketball, or
3. All three refs were actively trying to sway the outcome of the game in favor of the lakers.

I’m going to give them the benefit of the doubt on this one, that it was A, and not B or C, both of which would render the NBA completely without any credibility, ever again. But, no matter what the “reasoning” was behind that horrendous no-call, it accentuates an increasingly problematic situation in the NBA; outright pitiful officiating. It’s gotten progressively worse as the players have gotten bigger, stronger, and far more athletic over the past 20 years. Something needs to be done. The problem is only getting worse, and it’s not going to just fix it self. Changes need to be made, and I'm talking more than just duct taping Steve Javie to rocket and shooting him into orbit (although that would be a fantastic start).

Stay Tuned for Part II: The Solution

Introducing: The Official Von Wafer Correspondent

Here at Raef Is About Power, we are always looking for contributions from the great up and coming bloggers in the industry. Well, with that in mind, do I have a treat for you guys. I was contacted the other day by truly a phenomenal young talent, who expressed a great deal of interest in becoming a contributor to the site, and we were excited to oblige. The initial conversation revolved around filling a much need niche for our loyal Blazer followers, an Official Tuarean Green Correspondent. To say the least, I was ecstatic! Unfortunately, this was a mere hours before the Blazers shipped DL Hughley - excuse me, Green - off to Denver for the incomparable Von Wafer. Well, the last thing we wanted was to lose this talented guest blogger, so I immediately extended an offer to become the Official Von Wafer Correspondent. I don't think you'll be disappointed, as the results were positively scrumtralescent! So, without further ado, I introduce the enigmatic talent, known simply as.... The Nuts.

By The Numbers: Von Wafer

So maybe I don’t have your fancy HD tel-a-machine or a digital video record-a-ma-thing. So what if I can’t pony up the cash for NBA league pass or cable TV? I get on the internet (the Al Gore created one) and box score watch until I fall asleep. Every night I opt for the steady emotion of “David Lee made 2 point lay up” over the scary and over-exciting sight of that LeBron character parting the defense like the red sea and doing something called a monster dunk. I’m not too familiar with this monster dunk but if it’s anything like the monster in Cloverfield I want nothing to do with it!

Now that I have earned your highest respects please stop throwing panties at me and listen when I say that if you take Von Wafer, rearrange the letters, subtract the letters V, F and A, add the letters I, N, E, T, N, T, H, a couple more Es, a K, X, B, O, and an ampersand you get, by NO coincidence, WINNER & THE NEXT KOBE.

Don’t believe me? HA! Since joining the Blazers on Feb 26^th he is 2-0 in games he’s participated in. Even though his last stat line was a less-than-impressive showing of no points, no shots taken, no boards, no trips to the line, no assists, no steals and no blocks in 4:08 he had no fouls or turnovers either! Baron Von Wafer would lead you to believe that he had no impact on the 119-111 victory over the l*kers but I believe he’s too modest to take credit when credit’s due.

A little known fact about Vonilla Wafer; he can operate independently of our laws of time and physics. In those 4:08 on the court he may have appeared there physically but in actuality he was buzzing around the court at a speed incomprehensible by even the great Einstein himself. Twisting the shorts of l*ker players making them uncomfortable and slightly altering the trajectory of the basketball creating made shots for the Blazers and misses for the hopeless opposition.

Now in true modesty he not only sparingly uses his super powers but also strives to be a completely honest basketball player. Take the Feb 27^th game against the Clippers; 4-10 shooting, 1-2 from the line, 2-5 from distance, 5 boards and a block contributing the deciding 11 points in an 82-80 win. This obviously supports the theory that he feels the world is not ready for hyper-movement basketball... Yet.

Still don’t believe me? Let’s go back to the start of the season and run down his numbers. In 21 games with the Nuggets he’s accumulated a 12-9 record. Look a little deeper and you’ll see he’s 4-4 when making a basket and 8-5 when making 0 field goals on the day. Look even closer and you’ll notice his 6-4 mark when scoring 0 points and 2-1 when taking no shots at all! That one loss should be stricken from the record too because I believe his :01 on the floor at New York was to stick his tongue out at Spike Lee as a personal favor to Reggie Miller (I hear they’re MySpace friends).

The numbers don’t lie! So what if he's only managed to score 38 points so far this season? Consider this; k*be had to score 1693 points to win 43 games to date and Von Diggity Wafer has earned 14 Ws with his 38 points. That puts him on pace to win over 600 games before he reaches the 1600 point mark. Now THAT’S efficiency.

Disclaimer:

Upon writing this blog I had no intention of using k*be as an example. I do not condone the use of said horrible person and fully apologize to anyone that may be offended. I do believe that whatever god is in charge created one basketball player out of the darkness and another out of the light to uphold the natural balance of life. From the darkness rose a being so evil only hell itself would house him (LA) and the other? St. Von Wafer.

The Legend of the 12-Head

In case you haven't been made privy to this amazing information, I'm gonna let you in on it. Chris Bosh has a "girlfriend" (skeptical, we are). That, in and of itself, is newsworthy. However, even more newsworthy is the fact that this "girlfriend" has, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the world's largest forehead. Some may prefer to call it a 5-head, or even a 6-head, because it is most definitely a notch or two above your run-of-the-mill 4-head. On this sentiment, I must wholeheartedly disagree. She, unequivocally, has a 12-head. There is no way around it. That thing is HUGE. There is more space between her eyebrows and hairline than there is between seats on most commuter flights and in most NBA arenas. If her 12-head were for rent in Manhattan, it'd be advertised as a "spacious 1-bedroom," and go for $2200/month. To say the least, it's "quite roomy". But, because you probably don't believe me, I sent out the Raef Is About Power Investigative Team to capture photographic evidence. The results are amazing. See for your self.

The 12-head makes its first national TV appearance at a Raptors-Cavs game (yep, that Raptors-Cavs game)

Observing the Rookie Challenge at All-Star Weekend

Just kickin' it at home with Chris Bosh

Voicing her displeasure with a questionable call at a recent Raptors game

Back at All-Star Weekend, wondering where the hair went
Posing for the 2008 Got Milk? Seattle Seahawks fan calendar (who knew she was a Seahawk fan?)

Making her pro wrestling debut on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

After "fornication", and before eating Chris Bosh for sustenance

Courtside, and growing before our eyes

So, there you have it folks. Indisputable visual evidence of the only known living 12-head. It's OK to stare, just do so from a distance. While it may be hypnotizing, and even awe inspiring, it is no friend of yours. If you get too close, you will learn first hand the terrifying nature of this destructive power. Good luck, and godspeed.

Throw It Down Big Fella!

After watching Shaq’s Phoenix debut against the lakers, there is one thing that is absolutely certain. The Phoenix Suns are completely different team now. Sure, it’s hard to make sweeping generalizations after only one game, but if this game is any indicator, I think this trade just might work. The Suns had one major, glaring weakness, and that was on the inside, particularly guarding offensive minded big men, and rebounding. It’s obvious from the beginning that Shaq will immediately upgrade the Suns in both areas, even with minimal direct contribution himself. By him just being out there, teams are going to have to play them differently, thus opening things up for everyone else involved.

On offense, it was obvious that the initial game plan was to feed Shaq the ball, in an attempt to collapse the defense, and free things up on the outside. Right at the onset, it seemed like Phoenix was forcing Shaq to be involved in the offense, and it was slowing down their normally frenetic offensive attack. Players were standing around, seeing what he would do, and then reacting to the ball, as opposed to their usual offense that does a phenomenal job of letting the ball react to the players, creating open shots. The first half showcased numerous failed attempts at posting Shaq, and it really began to look like maybe the Suns made a huge mistake in trading away Shawn Marion for the big fella.

Then, in the second half, it all started to make sense. The offense started operating independently from Shaq, almost in the same manner as it does when Brian Skinner is in the game. The other 4 players played typical Phoenix Suns basketball, moving, passing, and shooting when they’re open. Meanwhile, Shaq just did his thing, setting screens (awkward as they were), gathering rebounds, and generally just taking up a ton of space. He moved reasonably well in and around the key, and when the ball came his way, he was able to make a few nice passes to cutting teammates for easy lay-ins. You could see the comfort level rising with each and every trip down the court, culminating in a 4^th quarter that showed glimpses of the old Shaquille that could simply overpower and dominate opponents into submission. After a slow start where he missed his first 2 shots and committed 2 early turnovers, he finished with a solid 15 points (6-9 shooting) to go with 3 assists and 3 turnovers. Not a bad nights work for his first time out.

On the other end, Shaq’s influence was more obvious early on. From the outset of the game, he gave Pau Gasol and the laker big’s a tough time, using his considerable size to disrupt the lakers offense, and wreak havoc on the boards. Although his final stats show a solid, but not spectacular 9 rebounds, he was instrumental in creating numerous rebounding opportunities for the usually outmanned Suns. Phoenix was uncharacteristically dominant on the glass, outrebounding the lakers 46-33, with Amare Stoudemire and Grant Hill grabbing 15 and 10 caroms apiece. Now, that my friends, is an improvement. Phoenix, who ranked 23^rd in the NBA in rebounding coming into tonight, might have done enough with this trade to become one of the better rebounding teams in the league. Each team has to focus so much attention on Shaq, that it’s going to free things up for everybody else to crash the boards using the quickness and athleticism that has been the Suns calling card the last few years.

In the same way that his presence by itself is enough to dramatically improve their rebounding, it will have a similar affect on their defense (although not in the same overwhelmingly positive way). By having Shaq in the middle, it allows Amare to slide over to his more natural position, power forward. This move gives them a great deal more size and shot blocking ability, as well as a lot more versatility to match up against all kinds of teams. However, it also means that they have a par to sub-par defensive player at every position (except when Bell is in the game). Uh, oh. The key though, is their offense will be given a big boost by potentially giving them two big time post playes that require maximum attention at all times. All these years, the teams that had the personnel would try to make the Suns go big, thus taking out one of their primary offensive weapons. Now? That means a heavy dose of Shaq. If you try to take Shaq out of the game, and go small? They’ll counter with a lineup of Amare, Diaw, Hill, Bell/Barbosa and Nash. I don’t know too many teams that can go small against that lineup and have continued success. Once Shaq gets himself settled (and he will), the Suns might be an even worse match-up nightmare than before, which is saying something.

One other aspect that requires mention, is that by adding Shaq (and thus changing everything about the make-up of the team), it's going to force the Suns to make a great deal of adjustments in the way they all play. On most teams, I'd classify this as a huge red flag, especially for immediate postseason success. One only needs to look at the Nuggets after acquiring Iverson. They had the talent to compete, but they just couldn't pull it all together for the postseason run, especially after having to come from behind in the standings. This Suns team, however, is a different animal. They've been rolling teams year in and year out for a while now, and have just crused through the regular season, until they reached a team that "figured them out", and they would be sent home. By adding Shaq, it's going to force the Suns to fundamentally change the way they do things. Instead of the free-wheeling run-and-shoot style they've been used to, they are going to have to actually install some sort of half court offense, and make these players remember how to win playoff basketball. Too often in the past, the Suns were beaten by their own style, forcing plays that weren't there, and using the "we'll make it up on the other end" excuse each time. That's all fine and dandy in the regular season, but come playoff time, when every possession matters (or so I hear), they need to be able to slow it down if the fast break isn't there, and actually operate in the half court. For most teams, the goal is to become less deliberate, and more free flowing. For the Suns, it's exactly the opposite. That being said, tell me one player in the league that will absolutely make your team more deliberate? There isn't anybody. And, I for one, think that's a good thing for the Suns.

Now, it’s worth mentioning that this game was against a lakers team that is weak inside, playing Pau at center, with Andrew Bynum still out with an injury. It’s also dangerous to jump to too many conclusions after only one game. However, this game did give quite a bit of insight as to how the Suns might play with Shaq, and how they might be successful. While there will undoubtedly be some growing pains, and there will be some teams that can contend with the Suns newfound bulk inside, it was pretty obvious after watching Shaq’s Phoenix debut, that this team will continue to be a force in the Western Conference. Now, will they be formidable enough to make it out of the West, and capture the city’s first pro basketball championship? That’s tough to say. But, they have just as good as shot as anybody, at this point. The only guarantee here is that this will only enhance what is already lining up to be one of the most entertaining playoffs in NBA history.

That wasn't so bad, now...was it?

So, like most NBA fans, I spent the weekend watching the NBA’s attempt to show off their best and brightest over the course of a weekend full of events that generally range from unwatchable to intermittently entertaining (with a few notable exceptions). How did this years festivities all turn out you ask? Well I'm glad you asked. So, without further ado, I present to you my somewhat in-depth review/critique of each and every event that mattered to anyone (sorry Celebrity Game and whatever they call that worthless NBA/WNBA shooting thing).

PS: Yes, I’m pretending someone cared about the Skills Competition.

Rookie Game

The Rookie Game is always mildly entertaining, if for no other reason than to know what basketball would look like if defense were entirely outlawed. It’s a fun enough game, simply because it’s always great to see some of the games brightest young stars screw around and show off their immense skills for a while. The real problem is that they insist on calling this a basketball game, as it’s been 5 years since the Rookies had a chance to win, and both teams refuse to play any semblance of defense. That being said, this year’s game was particularly… well… average.

There were some nice dunks, a few fancy passes, and some impressive 3 point shooting, but overall, the game lacked the pizzazz of past Rookie Games. Even with all the young talent in the game (and trust me, there was some), there was a serious lack of true star power. Maybe it’s because we’ve had back-to-back drafts that have yielded maybe 4 franchise level players (Roy, Gay, Durant, Oden) and Greg Oden didn’t play due to injury. Most of the other talent in the game are all gonna land somewhere between “quality role player” and “starter on a good team” when we look back on their career. Players like Rajon Rondo, Jordan Farmar, Al Horford, LaMarcus Aldridge, Daniel Gibson, and Mike Conley are all very good players, but all play mostly complimentary roles on their teams, and you could see that in the way the game played out. Even the “stars” like Brandon Roy and Rudy Gay aren’t exactly “give me the ball and get out of the way” kind of players. All this led to a lot of players trying to play an up and down, show-boating style that they aren’t used to, and trying to make spectacular plays that aren’t really the strength of their games.

Now, Rudy Gay had some pretty spectacular dunks (including catching an alley-oop from Roy he had no business catching), Daniel Gibson got hot from 3 point range hitting 11 3's (is that good?), and Brandon Roy looked solid throughout, while obviously saving himself for the big boy game. Kevin Durant showed why everyone was so excited about him coming into this season (he’s pretty good at this basketball thing), with a good overall performance including 23 points, some highlight reel dunks, and some freakishly long arms. All in all, it was worth watching, but I’m not going to shoot myself if I miss it next year.

Some quick thoughts about the game:

• Rudy Gay is athletic (in case you were wondering)


• Daniel Gibson was good, but not AMAZING. People were giving him 3’s, and my, oh my, was he taking them (20 shots, all 3’s!)


• Andrea Bargnani is playing softer than his name (that’s not good). By default, he should be the toughest Andrea in basketball. I’m guessing he’s not.


• This crop of rookies is better than we give them credit for, but still have a ways to go to catch up to the Sophs. Durant is legit, Horford is a beast, but the rest are a year away from having any sort of real impact on the league.

Overall, I think it’s a good idea for a game, although something just seems to be missing. Maybe it’s time for a format tweak, but I don’t think there is a logical way to do that. I think it’s best to just accept its shortcomings, leave as is, and hope for an upset every once in a while. The final score is not that important anyways. The best part is seeing young rising stars show off, have fun, and get rooted on by their big-brother All-Stars, and that’s just fine for me.

GRADES
Overall: B+ This Year: C+

Skills Challenge

If there was ever an event that just screamed “who cares”, this is it. Deron Williams won, ason Kidd made an appearance, and Dwayne Wade forgot how to play basketball for a few little bit. Chris Paul? Yeah, he was in it, but he didn’t win, or screw up, so who cares? Basically, this event was about 3 things to me:

• Dwayne Wade obviously quitting on the event after he knew he wasn’t going to win. He dribbled off of his foot, missed a couple jumpers, and then flat out quit. He just tossed his last few shot attempts towards the basket, then half-assed his way through the rest of the course, followed by missing not one, but two(!) lay-ups to cap an embarrassing performance. PATHETIC. If you’re a superstar, and the NBA invites you to participate in an event like that, you’ve got to at least try! I mean, I understand that you’re a competitor, you wanted to 3-peat, and that after you dribbled off your foot, it was all but over. But, come on! It’s a 1 minute long obstacle course! If I were the NBA, I wouldn’t invite him back next year, or any year (Although after this debacle, he might enjoy that. In which case, David Stern should Rasheed him, and make him participate).


• “At point guard, standing 6'4" tall, out of the University of California… ason Kidd!” Enjoy that championship run Dallas. Just hope your season doesn’t come down to your point guard being able to hit an open jump shot.


• As good as Deron Williams looked in this glorified (was it even that?) obstacle course, was it really all that impressive? Sure, it’s not that easy to make those passes, and hit a jump shot on command, but is there any doubt in your mind that any run-of-the-mill college guard could do just as good? It seems like it always comes down to who screwed up least. yay.

Now, as you can see, I am a BIG fan of this event [if by "am a BIG fan of" is the same as "don't particualarly care about"... which it is, right?]. That being said, it’s not all that bad, for one simple reason. It lasted all of 15 minutes. On top of that, it's simple to understand and is indeed a nice combination of point guard skills. So, I could take it or leave it. If the NBA is set on keeping it around, just leave it as is, and don’t put too much stock in the winner. Maybe next year, more than two people can actually display "skills."

GRADES
Overall: C This Year: D+

3-Point Shootout

OK, now here we get into the tried and true events that have been a staple of All-Star Weekend since its inception way back when (??). The 3-Point Shootout has definitely had its moments (Larry Bird anyone?), and most of them have definitely occurred prior to this decade. So, possessing a competition that’s struggled in recent years, David Stern decided to infuse a little star power into this years events, in hopes of resuscitating the dying event. In steps league MVP’s Steve Nash and Dirk Nowitzki (replacing an even bigger star in kobe bryant). Combine those two heavyweights, with the defending champ (Jason Kapono), a former 2-time winner (Peja), a young gun coming off a rookie game record 11 3’s (Gibson) and a masked villain (Rip Hamilton), and you got yourselves what should be an exciting competition that might actually live up to the “Shootout” in it’s name.

Unfortunately, the competition was over very quickly. How quickly? Well, luckily I was able to find a photo of the exact moment that Jason Kapono sealed up his second straight 3-Point Shootout crown (see right).

Yep, the moment Jason Kapono stepped off the bus, and arrived at New Orleans Arena, it was over. With all the hype of superstars, past winners, and face gear, everyone was calling for an upset of the reigning champ. Why? He’s the reigning champ for a reason, and that reason is The Kapono Dragon can flat out shoot the ball (exemplified by his remarkable performance in last years event). Second, every other competitor had an obvious reason why their ability to win the competition was suspect, at best.

Gibson is talented, as shown in the warm-up round, er… Rookie Game, but too young to not expect some nerves in a big spotlight such as this. Peja hasn’t been remotely healthy in years, so expecting the Peja of old to miraculously appear on demand would be foolish. Rip Hamilton has long been one of the best shooters of our era, but I can’t for the life of me remember him EVER being called a 3-point shooter. Meanwhile, Dirk and Nash are too busy winning MVP’s and trying the snatch the BIG trophy at the end of the season, to care about the little ones handed out halfway through.

Meanwhile, The Dragon has been spending the last 2+ seasons resting comfortably atop the leagues 3-point % charts, and is coming off of a record setting performance in last years competition. Throw in the fact that this is the event that will not only define his season, but maybe even his career, and you have yourselves a heavy favorite. The only knock on him is that he’s not Euro enough to follow in the footsteps of Dirk and Peja. Nitpicking to say the least (Although, I do think a name change is in order if he wins another one. My vote is for Jason Kaponeux. Sounds French.)

So, the contest went down as (should have been) expected, with each competitor struggling for a rack or two in round 1, while apparently trying to score exactly 17 points (If Peja hits his last money ball, and Rip can stay behind the line, we would have had a 4 way tie for 2 spots in the finals. At least then we’d have seen some drama). Meanwhile, Nash mailed it in, and Kopono easily cruised into the Finals with a smooth 21.

In the finals, Dirk stunk it up, Boobie got his 17 again, and The Dragon set an event record with his 25 points on 20 of 25 shooting. Damn, now that was impressive. If only he’d of had someone to compete with, this might have been one for the ages. Instead, it was just another lackluster 3-Point Shootout, with one mighty impressive display of shooting ability that saved it from the trash heap. Ho-hum. I’d still rather watch Shaq.

GRADES
Overall: C+ This Year: C+

Dunk Contest

OK, now this is what I’m talking about!

Out of all the events on All-Star Weekend, the Slam Dunk Contest is always the most hyped, and almost always the most disappointing. But, every once in a while the Dunk Contest actually comes through. This was one of those contests. After a couple years of sub-par competitors performing sub-par dunks, it was about time for a break out year. Right on cue, Dwight Howard shows up and puts on the best show the contest has seen since Vince Carter in 2000. It was just a complete domination from start to finish. Just like Vince, the moment Dwight threw down that first dunk (the filthy off-the back of the backboard, left-handed windmill) you had the feeling the contest was just about over. Then, once he pulled out the Superman “dunk”, you KNEW it was over. After that, he could have made two lay-ins in the finals, and walked away with the trophy. The first two dunks were just that nasty.

Meanwhile, Gerald Green pulls off one of the most creative and impressive dunks I have ever seen, and is nothing but an afterthought. I’m here to tell you right now, that the Birthday Cake dunk was just flat out COOL. There’s no other way to describe it. It’s like the old “Kiss the Rim” dunk, with a little more theatrics, and a lot lower risk of serious head trauma. Too bad he had to pull it off opposite Superman. I guess someone had to play the Steve Francis role of “Great Contestant Who Gets Severely Overshadowed By A Freak Show.” That’s OK Gerald, you’ll always have last year.

What about Rudy Gay and Jamario Moon, the two guys that had the most pre-contest hype? Well, they proved once again, exactly what hype gets you… squat. Now, to be fair, they had some nice moments, especially Rudy’s off the basket support dunk, that would have been sweeeet, had Superman (or was he still Clark Kent at that point?) not already pulled off what was essentially a more impressive version of the same dunk. Sorry, buddy, not your year either. And, at least Jamario knew he needed to go BIG on his second attempt. He set it up well, and was able to get the arena buzzing, but just didn’t have it in him. Maybe next, year.

All in all, this years competition was EXACTLY what the NBA had in mind when they reintroduced the ABA's dunk contest, in 1984. Let’s see… how about we take some of the best athletes in the world [check], get them to do disgusting things that no one has ever seen (or hoped to see) [check!], and after all that, have the winner catapult himself to superstardom [CHECK!]. Yeah, you can just go ahead and chalk this one up in the Success column.

Anyways, I’m gonna finish this off with my personal 2008 Slam Dunk Contest Top 5 Best Dunks list.

[Drum Roll, please]

1. Off the Back of the Backboard – WOW! Not only did he catch the oop off the backside of the backboard, and not only was his head still behind the backboard when he threw it down, but he threw in a fierce left-handed windmill for good measure, and threw it down clean as can be. Oh, and did you notice the weird bounce he got off the throw? Yeah, sick. (I'm already penciling it into my Top 5 ever.)

2. Birthday Cake – Arguably the most impressive and creative. It’s exactly what the contest is all about, and shows off Gerald Greens freaky hops. (He’s the only person I’ve seen get as high as LeBron in a McDonalds All-American dunk contest, and that's saying something.)

3. Superman – Not actually a dunk, but the whole “event” of the dunk was so off the charts perfect, and the “dunk” was still so unrealistically awesome looking, that it was just plain ridiculous. And isn't it the same idea as a dunk if you can get so high above that basket that you can throw it through the hoop? That sure works for me. The only question that remains is, "How long ‘til the Superman fathead is available?", cause I might have to get me one.

4. Dwight on Tap (tap off the glass) – Pretty-god-damn-impressive is the only way to describe this dunk. The sheer athleticism it takes to even attempt this dunk is unreal. Of course, Superman made it look easy.

5. Rudy off the Support – This dunk is getting no love, mostly because it followed Dwight’s disgusting older-sibling. But, still, this was very impressive. Hey, if you’re gonna be a JV something, at least be a JV Superman.

And that list doesn’t even take into account the Mini Hoop dunk or the vastly underrated No-Shoes, Through the Legs jam. All in all, it was pretty damn good show, and the NBA should be proud. And, I can tell you one thing, you better believe I'm gonna tune in next year, and I have a feeling I’m not alone.

GRADES

Overall: B+ This Year: A

It Ain't Gonna Be Pretty, But It'll Be Fun!

So, while deriding the NBA for their choice of Dirk Nowitzki to replace the already poor choice of kobe bryant in the 3 Point Shootout, I began to think of some ways to spice the event up. It seems like the last few contests have been pretty ho-hum. I suppose this is why they’re trying to force some star power into the game, even if it means including players having less than spectacular (understatement alert!) seasons from behind the arc.

[Now, you can totally ignore this once the Steve Nash beats Dirk with a late flurry of 3’s and a money ball at the buzzer to win it, setting records, energizing the crowd, and revitalizing the event. But, based off of the past few years, that seems increasingly unlikely.]

So, what’s my grand little scheme to save the 3 Point Shootout from becoming totally obsolete? Well, it’s the same formula that the league has used for years in order to generate wide-spread fan interest and excitement.

Shaq.

Yes, that’s right. I think Shaquille O’Neal should be one of the six members of the next NBA All-Star Weekend 3-Point Shootout. Think about it. When you tune in to the 3 Point Shootout this Saturday, would you rather see a reasonably impressive display of shooting acumen, or do you want to see arguably the biggest star in the game (still), put up more 3’s in 60 seconds than he has since he hit 6’ tall in the 3^rd grade? I mean, how many 3 pointers have you seen Jason Kapono, or Steve Nash make over the last few years? Hundreds. How many have you seen Shaq hit? Probably none (unless you happened to catch an otherwise nondescript midseason match-up between the Magic and the Bucks in February of ’96). You’ve gotta think he’d knock down a couple, given a few weeks to prepare, and 30 wide open tries at it. Each shot would no doubt be so ugly and awkward, that there’s no way the crowd wouldn’t get into it once the first one dropped (and what if he hit 3 or 4 in a row? Pandemonium I tell you. Pandemonium.)

Only problem is, he’d obviously have no chance at even being competitive given the current format. There’s no point to having Shaq only make a brief cameo, when he’ll undoubtedly be the contests main draw. So, let’s change the format a bit. Instead of the games best shooters, how about some of it’s most dubious? Could you imagine 6 of the shakiest shooters in the NBA jacking up 3’s in rapid succession, desperately trying to beat Shaq’s leading score of 5? I sure can. And it’s pretty awesome.

So, who would the other five contestants be, you might ask? That’s a great question.

First, you’d need somebody equally as awkward behind the 3 point stripe, and someone who everyone would genuinely want to see battle Shaq on one of the NBA’s biggest stages. Of course it’d be Yao Ming. Even after 5+ years of national TV battles, Yao vs. Shaq still has to be one of the easiest sells around, sports related or not. You put two HUGE, and talented, human beings in any sort of competition, and viewers will tune in. (I mean, somebody has to be watching those World’s Strongest Man competitions, for ESPN to keep playing them for all these years.)

So, now we got ourselves a first rate match-up of worldwide icons, competing in an event totally out of their element. That’s really all you need in order to have honest to goodness must-see TV. All that’s left is to round out the supporting cast with a group of players that will not only compete on an equal playing field, but also bring some entertainment value of their own to the mix.

You can add in the likes of Ben Wallace and Dwight Howard for a little more star power. Then, you have to be sure to include some of the lesser known (but equally disastrous) “shooters” in the game. Josh Boone and his phenomenal 32.9% from the line are an absolute must this season (If he can’t hit a free throw to save his life, who wouldn’t want to back him up a few feet and see what he’s got?). Then maybe a wild card like the worst shooter on the host team (Tyson Chandler anyone?), or if you really want to spice things up, a team owner (paging Mark Cuban) or local columnist (would any of them really pass up the opportunity to show up the players they rip apart on a day to day basis). Or even bring back an “All-Time Great” each year to challenge the new guys (Chris Dudley!). The possibilities are virtually endless!

Basically, let’s stop pussyfooting around the issue, and make All-Star Saturday exactly what it should be. A spectacle. I know I’d watch, and I’m sure I wouldn’t be alone.