I Have A Fever

And the only prescription?

More Blazers.

Tonight I get to finally go to my favorite pharmacy, the Rose Garden. There, the pharmacists will be passing out drugs like candy, and I'll be swallowing them down by the handful. And, while it will do wonders to quell my rising fever in the short term, in the end it'll just make me an addict.

Unfortunately, unlike most addicts, I will have an addiction to more than just one simple, over the counter drug. I'll most likely be hooked on a cocktail of drugs so powerful and so diverse that it'd take a team of doctors years to concoct an antidote.

But, I have absolutely zero interest in an anecdote. Seriously, who in there right mind wouldn't want to consume as much Blazer as possible? It's the greatest drug you'll ever get a taste of, and it's absolutely FREE! All you need to do is sit back, take a deep breath, and huff as much Blazer info as possible. Then exhale, and enjoy a sudden rush of uncontrollable excitement, followed by an intense feeling of euphoria as you lie back and giggle to yourself at the thought of Greg Oden dunking on a hapless Andrew Bynum, or Rudy Fernandez flying towards the hoop as he catches a mesmerizing alley-oop from fellow Spaniard Sergio Rodriguez!

Of course, that's just the low-level, street quality stuff. Now that the Blazers are "in season", you can pony up a little cash, get yourself some cable television and feast on the very quality "Comcast" strain. It's great for first time users (hooray for gateway drugs!), and will never leave you unsatisfied. With this strain, you get the same rush of uncontrollable excitement followed by intense euphoria, only the excitement isn't so "sudden" as it comes at you in 4 distinct stages, and lasts over 2 hours. Each stage (or "quarter" as it's called on the streets) brings a higher and higher level of excitement, finally reaching a level of excitement SO high that you will lose complete control over your body, and begin to randomly high five every person you can find. This extreme level of excitement then leads to a very similar feeling as the street drug, although in the Comcast strain, it lasts for upwards of a day. It also has the peculiar habit of bringing back bursts of excitement whenever you encounter someone else on the same drug as you.

The Comcast strain is very good. It comes highly recommended from even the most seasoned Blazer users. While other options may offer a more intense "high" and a overall greater feeling of euphoria, no strain is more readily available in the Portland metro area than the "Comcast" variety. (Note: For users outside of the Portland metro area, call you local dealers and DEMAND that they begin carrying this strain. While the dealers might balk at the cost, there IS demand, and they will turn a profit. These drugs practically sell themselves!)

The next step up brings you to the top end stuff. First we'll start with the common (and quite fantastic in it's own right) "Live Game" Blazer strain that has caused more serious, lifelong addiction than any drug I've ever encountered. While Comcast can be a gateway to other drugs (watch out for the incredibly powerful "Ducks", a common stepping stone drug) , the Live Game will really get you cracked out on Blazer. It's the stuff I rode hard last year, and really made me appreciate the nuances of the different Blazers. It gave me a whole new appreciation for the differences in the quality and impact of each strain.

It completely changed my life. It made me feind for Blazer, and not just any ol' run of the mill Blazer. It made me threaten to live outside my means just so I could get the greatest fix possible.
Because, if you really want the good stuff (and I mean the GOOOOD stuff) you gotta go straight to the source. You gotta get that real nice "Season Ticket" Blazer. While I've never tried it before, I've heard nothing but good things. An unparalleled rush, and a high so high, that you may truly never come down.

And guess, what? I got the hookup on some good Season Ticket stuff, and I'm about to try it tonight for the first time. And this might be some of the strongest Blazer anyone has seen in quite a while.

Boy, I can't wait.

It's About That Time Again!

With training camps on the horizon, and the first preseason games only weeks away, I think it's finally time to awaken the hibernating beast that is Raef Is About Power.

Call me a homer, but I'd like to think that this blog compares very favorably to my very own Portland TrailBlazers squad. Just take a moment, and bear with me here.

Last year was the big coming out party. We started off nice and easy, with a few pedestrian posts on the All-Star Game and the myriad events that surround it. It was nice and all, but overall pretty vanilla.

Then came the big moment. The coming out party. You know that moment when things just "click." You can just feel the momentum building, and there isn't anything you are anyone else can do to stop it? That's how I felt when I first laid eyes on the 12-head.

Starting on that fateful day Raef Is About Power started to show it's true potential. It was truly reminiscent of the magical 13 game winning streak the Blazers were able to put together last season. We brought you the 12-head, an Official Von Wafer Correspondent (accompanied by a truly magical breakdown of Von's importance to the team), an in-depth look at NBA's officiating problem, a well thought out solution (with diagrams!), and a mind-blowing insight into my "passionate dislike" for the Purple Pussies from LA, all within a few weeks time. Things were truly looking up, and an ascension into the NBA's blogging elite seemed like a mere formality.

However, like the young Blazers, our youthful inexperience finally caught up to us, and we sputtered down the stretch. Sure, there were some bright spots (see: Blazers v. Lakers, April 9th, 2008), such as the epic Jackie Joyner-Outlaw expose' , but all in all, the end of the season was a disappointment to both this blog and our fan.

But, now it's a new year!

We're a year older, a year wiser, and infinitely hungrier. This is the year where we truly break out, and announce to the world that we are the future, and there isn't anything you can do to stop it. We've tasted victory and now we're ready to enjoy that sweet, sweet nectar once again. (It's so good! Once it hits your lips. It's so good!)

Now, we don't want to set expectation TOO high. We are still young, and our best years are ahead of us. But, this is the year where things start to happen.

So, stay tuned, hold on tight, and we'll see if we can get through this season with at least a dash of credibility. Hey, we can dream, can't we?

By The Numbers: Von Wafer

So maybe I don’t have your fancy HD tel-a-machine or a digital video record-a-ma-thing. So what if I can’t pony up the cash for NBA league pass or cable TV? I get on the internet (the Al Gore created one) and box score watch until I fall asleep. Every night I opt for the steady emotion of “David Lee made 2 point lay up” over the scary and over-exciting sight of that LeBron character parting the defense like the red sea and doing something called a monster dunk. I’m not too familiar with this monster dunk but if it’s anything like the monster in Cloverfield I want nothing to do with it!

Now that I have earned your highest respects please stop throwing panties at me and listen when I say that if you take Von Wafer, rearrange the letters, subtract the letters V, F and A, add the letters I, N, E, T, N, T, H, a couple more Es, a K, X, B, O, and an ampersand you get, by NO coincidence, WINNER & THE NEXT KOBE.

Don’t believe me? HA! Since joining the Blazers on Feb 26^th he is 2-0 in games he’s participated in. Even though his last stat line was a less-than-impressive showing of no points, no shots taken, no boards, no trips to the line, no assists, no steals and no blocks in 4:08 he had no fouls or turnovers either! Baron Von Wafer would lead you to believe that he had no impact on the 119-111 victory over the l*kers but I believe he’s too modest to take credit when credit’s due.

A little known fact about Vonilla Wafer; he can operate independently of our laws of time and physics. In those 4:08 on the court he may have appeared there physically but in actuality he was buzzing around the court at a speed incomprehensible by even the great Einstein himself. Twisting the shorts of l*ker players making them uncomfortable and slightly altering the trajectory of the basketball creating made shots for the Blazers and misses for the hopeless opposition.

Now in true modesty he not only sparingly uses his super powers but also strives to be a completely honest basketball player. Take the Feb 27^th game against the Clippers; 4-10 shooting, 1-2 from the line, 2-5 from distance, 5 boards and a block contributing the deciding 11 points in an 82-80 win. This obviously supports the theory that he feels the world is not ready for hyper-movement basketball... Yet.

Still don’t believe me? Let’s go back to the start of the season and run down his numbers. In 21 games with the Nuggets he’s accumulated a 12-9 record. Look a little deeper and you’ll see he’s 4-4 when making a basket and 8-5 when making 0 field goals on the day. Look even closer and you’ll notice his 6-4 mark when scoring 0 points and 2-1 when taking no shots at all! That one loss should be stricken from the record too because I believe his :01 on the floor at New York was to stick his tongue out at Spike Lee as a personal favor to Reggie Miller (I hear they’re MySpace friends).

The numbers don’t lie! So what if he's only managed to score 38 points so far this season? Consider this; k*be had to score 1693 points to win 43 games to date and Von Diggity Wafer has earned 14 Ws with his 38 points. That puts him on pace to win over 600 games before he reaches the 1600 point mark. Now THAT’S efficiency.

Disclaimer:

Upon writing this blog I had no intention of using k*be as an example. I do not condone the use of said horrible person and fully apologize to anyone that may be offended. I do believe that whatever god is in charge created one basketball player out of the darkness and another out of the light to uphold the natural balance of life. From the darkness rose a being so evil only hell itself would house him (LA) and the other? St. Von Wafer.

Welcome!

Welcome to Raef Is About Power, a soon to be failed experiment in teaching you people the things you need to know about sports and such. Stay tuned for what is sure to be a wild ride that will be sometimes fun, sometimes offensive, and always misinformed.