By The Numbers: Von Wafer

So maybe I don’t have your fancy HD tel-a-machine or a digital video record-a-ma-thing. So what if I can’t pony up the cash for NBA league pass or cable TV? I get on the internet (the Al Gore created one) and box score watch until I fall asleep. Every night I opt for the steady emotion of “David Lee made 2 point lay up” over the scary and over-exciting sight of that LeBron character parting the defense like the red sea and doing something called a monster dunk. I’m not too familiar with this monster dunk but if it’s anything like the monster in Cloverfield I want nothing to do with it!

Now that I have earned your highest respects please stop throwing panties at me and listen when I say that if you take Von Wafer, rearrange the letters, subtract the letters V, F and A, add the letters I, N, E, T, N, T, H, a couple more Es, a K, X, B, O, and an ampersand you get, by NO coincidence, WINNER & THE NEXT KOBE.

Don’t believe me? HA! Since joining the Blazers on Feb 26^th he is 2-0 in games he’s participated in. Even though his last stat line was a less-than-impressive showing of no points, no shots taken, no boards, no trips to the line, no assists, no steals and no blocks in 4:08 he had no fouls or turnovers either! Baron Von Wafer would lead you to believe that he had no impact on the 119-111 victory over the l*kers but I believe he’s too modest to take credit when credit’s due.

A little known fact about Vonilla Wafer; he can operate independently of our laws of time and physics. In those 4:08 on the court he may have appeared there physically but in actuality he was buzzing around the court at a speed incomprehensible by even the great Einstein himself. Twisting the shorts of l*ker players making them uncomfortable and slightly altering the trajectory of the basketball creating made shots for the Blazers and misses for the hopeless opposition.

Now in true modesty he not only sparingly uses his super powers but also strives to be a completely honest basketball player. Take the Feb 27^th game against the Clippers; 4-10 shooting, 1-2 from the line, 2-5 from distance, 5 boards and a block contributing the deciding 11 points in an 82-80 win. This obviously supports the theory that he feels the world is not ready for hyper-movement basketball... Yet.

Still don’t believe me? Let’s go back to the start of the season and run down his numbers. In 21 games with the Nuggets he’s accumulated a 12-9 record. Look a little deeper and you’ll see he’s 4-4 when making a basket and 8-5 when making 0 field goals on the day. Look even closer and you’ll notice his 6-4 mark when scoring 0 points and 2-1 when taking no shots at all! That one loss should be stricken from the record too because I believe his :01 on the floor at New York was to stick his tongue out at Spike Lee as a personal favor to Reggie Miller (I hear they’re MySpace friends).

The numbers don’t lie! So what if he's only managed to score 38 points so far this season? Consider this; k*be had to score 1693 points to win 43 games to date and Von Diggity Wafer has earned 14 Ws with his 38 points. That puts him on pace to win over 600 games before he reaches the 1600 point mark. Now THAT’S efficiency.

Disclaimer:

Upon writing this blog I had no intention of using k*be as an example. I do not condone the use of said horrible person and fully apologize to anyone that may be offended. I do believe that whatever god is in charge created one basketball player out of the darkness and another out of the light to uphold the natural balance of life. From the darkness rose a being so evil only hell itself would house him (LA) and the other? St. Von Wafer.