It Ain't Gonna Be Pretty, But It'll Be Fun!

So, while deriding the NBA for their choice of Dirk Nowitzki to replace the already poor choice of kobe bryant in the 3 Point Shootout, I began to think of some ways to spice the event up. It seems like the last few contests have been pretty ho-hum. I suppose this is why they’re trying to force some star power into the game, even if it means including players having less than spectacular (understatement alert!) seasons from behind the arc.

[Now, you can totally ignore this once the Steve Nash beats Dirk with a late flurry of 3’s and a money ball at the buzzer to win it, setting records, energizing the crowd, and revitalizing the event. But, based off of the past few years, that seems increasingly unlikely.]

So, what’s my grand little scheme to save the 3 Point Shootout from becoming totally obsolete? Well, it’s the same formula that the league has used for years in order to generate wide-spread fan interest and excitement.

Shaq.

Yes, that’s right. I think Shaquille O’Neal should be one of the six members of the next NBA All-Star Weekend 3-Point Shootout. Think about it. When you tune in to the 3 Point Shootout this Saturday, would you rather see a reasonably impressive display of shooting acumen, or do you want to see arguably the biggest star in the game (still), put up more 3’s in 60 seconds than he has since he hit 6’ tall in the 3^rd grade? I mean, how many 3 pointers have you seen Jason Kapono, or Steve Nash make over the last few years? Hundreds. How many have you seen Shaq hit? Probably none (unless you happened to catch an otherwise nondescript midseason match-up between the Magic and the Bucks in February of ’96). You’ve gotta think he’d knock down a couple, given a few weeks to prepare, and 30 wide open tries at it. Each shot would no doubt be so ugly and awkward, that there’s no way the crowd wouldn’t get into it once the first one dropped (and what if he hit 3 or 4 in a row? Pandemonium I tell you. Pandemonium.)

Only problem is, he’d obviously have no chance at even being competitive given the current format. There’s no point to having Shaq only make a brief cameo, when he’ll undoubtedly be the contests main draw. So, let’s change the format a bit. Instead of the games best shooters, how about some of it’s most dubious? Could you imagine 6 of the shakiest shooters in the NBA jacking up 3’s in rapid succession, desperately trying to beat Shaq’s leading score of 5? I sure can. And it’s pretty awesome.

So, who would the other five contestants be, you might ask? That’s a great question.

First, you’d need somebody equally as awkward behind the 3 point stripe, and someone who everyone would genuinely want to see battle Shaq on one of the NBA’s biggest stages. Of course it’d be Yao Ming. Even after 5+ years of national TV battles, Yao vs. Shaq still has to be one of the easiest sells around, sports related or not. You put two HUGE, and talented, human beings in any sort of competition, and viewers will tune in. (I mean, somebody has to be watching those World’s Strongest Man competitions, for ESPN to keep playing them for all these years.)

So, now we got ourselves a first rate match-up of worldwide icons, competing in an event totally out of their element. That’s really all you need in order to have honest to goodness must-see TV. All that’s left is to round out the supporting cast with a group of players that will not only compete on an equal playing field, but also bring some entertainment value of their own to the mix.

You can add in the likes of Ben Wallace and Dwight Howard for a little more star power. Then, you have to be sure to include some of the lesser known (but equally disastrous) “shooters” in the game. Josh Boone and his phenomenal 32.9% from the line are an absolute must this season (If he can’t hit a free throw to save his life, who wouldn’t want to back him up a few feet and see what he’s got?). Then maybe a wild card like the worst shooter on the host team (Tyson Chandler anyone?), or if you really want to spice things up, a team owner (paging Mark Cuban) or local columnist (would any of them really pass up the opportunity to show up the players they rip apart on a day to day basis). Or even bring back an “All-Time Great” each year to challenge the new guys (Chris Dudley!). The possibilities are virtually endless!

Basically, let’s stop pussyfooting around the issue, and make All-Star Saturday exactly what it should be. A spectacle. I know I’d watch, and I’m sure I wouldn’t be alone.