From time to time, there are people in and around the sports world, who do things so unapologetically horrendous that their behavior just has to be pulled out into the open, with a big ol' spotlight shined on them, while the entire world points and laughs. Well, here at Reaf Is About Power, we are taking it a step further. We're going to blow the Raef Whistle on them. Why a Raef Whistle? Because there's nothing more humiliating than being at a party and delecatly making your "move" on a drunken co-ed, only to have her turn around, scream bloody murder, and blow a loud ass whistle in your face as she's pointing directly at you with uncontrollable tears streaming down her face. All the while, you stand around with that terrified look on your face, and for a moment, you think you might be going to jail, even though you didn't do anything that bad. Wow. Talk about awkward. Well, in honor of that lying bitch and her attention whoreing ways, let me dress up in my sluttiest little school girl outfit and start calling some of these grabby mo-fo's out! First up…The lakers.
Seriously. Fuck those guys.
I hate them. I hate them with every bone in my body. I hate that they play in LA. I hate that their fans are the most biased, homer fans on the planet. I hate that the media assumes that everyone wants to hear about the lakers, because “love em or hate em, their interesting.” I hate them so much that I’d rather watch 3 hours of consecutive “House of Payne” advertisements than a single second of a lakers game (that’s not vs. the Blazers, of course). If I could completely remove the lakers from my life, I would.
Yet, for some reason or another, they are constantly shoved down my throat. They are on a nationally televised game AT LEAST once a week, and I wouldn’t be shocked to find out that they played 109 nationally televised, regular season games this year. If that’s not enough, I can’t turn on ESPN (or my computer, for that matter) without someone debating whether or not kobe is better than someone he clearly isn’t. If I listened to NBA talking heads, I’d be convinced that kobe was the second coming. No, not of Michael Jordan, but of Jesus Christ. I’d also be sure that Big Bird Gasol was a European Kevin McHale, Sasha Vujacic was the new “Microwave” and that Lamar Odom wouldn’t choke in the playoffs. Right.
If having a relentlessly over-hyped team, with idiot fans, and a history of handing my Blazers debilitating playoff losses, all while being located in the urban hell-hole that is Los Angeles, isn’t enough (and it’s plenty), look at their current roster. It’s like GM Mitch Kupcheck dedicated his life to creating a roster with the only goal to spite me. Well, congrats Mitch, it worked. You have successfully put together a team made up of bits and pieces of all the things I find revolting about NBA teams of yore:
- The smug sense of entitlement of past lakers teams without the, well, success of past laker teams.
- The ability to bitch and complain about every single call, no matter how obviously correct the call was, and in the process, passing the Spurs as the whiniest time in the league. (which is no small feat, I might add)
- Derek Fisher
- A bevy of ugly looking, ugly playing Euro's who are playing WAY better than players of their talent ever should, including a giant bird-looking thing playing center.
Steve Javie (who I’m thoroughly convinced has been on the laker payroll for at least the past decade)
All that, and that doesn’t even take into consideration that the “leader” of this unholy squad is none other than the most detestable athlete to grace this planet since umm…. ever? I mean, this is the guy who was loudly booed while receiving the All-Star Game MVP... in his hometown. He’s, by all accounts, an articulate, well learned man who was raised by a good family who brought him up right. Yet, he plays the game with as much class as drunken little league dad. Seriously. He gets more “favorable” calls than anyone in the league, but still pisses and moans EVERY time down the court, regardless of the outcome. It’s almost as if his mom calls him before every game and tells him he’s the best, and she’s POSITIVE he’ll win tonight. Then, once anything starts to go against him (or could be in any way construed as potentially going against him), he throws a hissy fit like a spoiled 8 year old. It’s absolutely aggravating to watch. I just want to pull a Homer Simpson and wring his little neck while screaming a long string of nonsensical obscenities.
Now, partner that guy with the increasingly loathsome dirtbag that is Lamar Odom, and you have the foundations for one of the most unlikable teams in my lifetime. Remember, Odom is the guy with loads of talent and the work ethic of a guy who hasn’t been more than 15 yards from his bong since he was 14 (coincidence?). What’s more is, that in order to differentiate himself from the countless other all-talent-no-drive basketball players that have paraded through the NBA over the past decades, he’s taking on the role of “enforcer” on a laker team full of tissue soft “skill” players. To Odom, that means shoving players as they drive to the basket, taking cheap shots on star players and following 6’3”point guards into team huddles to continue in a pathetic attempt to “prove your toughness.”
Having said that, none of that is what continually fuels my deep, dark hatred of the team called the lakers, in a city with no lakes. What truly lifts the lakers below such loathsome teams as the current batch of Spurs, and the Bad Boy era Pistons, is the fans. Sure every team has their idiot fans, but the lakers seem to have nothing but idiot fans. If you don’t think kobe is the best player ever, you’re not an educated basketball fan, you’re a “hater.” If you dare question the lakers as the best team on the planet, well, then you’re also a “hater” (yeah, their creative, too). Arguing with a laker fan, is like arguing with a 3 year old. They only have so much knowledge and brain power at their disposal, so the options of sense and reason quickly go out the window. Wanna see for yourself? Here’s an actual transcript of a conversation that I had with a laker fan earlier in the year, after yet another laker loss in Portland (that’s 6 in a row and 19 of 23 in Portland, and a tie for the season series, making it ONE season series victory for the lakers vs. the Blazers since 92-93. ONE. Oh, and Phil Jackson is 15-16 vs. the Blazers as the laker coach. Suck on that, fake show!).
Me: You enjoy yet another beat down at the hands of the mighty Blazers?
laker fan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. See you in the playoffs… Oh, wait, you’ll be sitting at home while the lakers are winning the championship this June.
Me: Ha! They’ll choke like they always do, don’t worry…. I’m not too worried anyways, next year is the year the Blazers begin their takeover!
laker fan: Blazers? Takeover? Hahaha! Not with the lakers around, it’ll be laker domination for decades!
Me: Umm… You keep believing that. But just you wait. Last year’s squad took down the “mighty lakers” twice, and they’ll add Oden to the middle, plus All-Euro Rudy Fernandez, and you best believe that BRoy and TheMarcus are gonna get better with the extra help. Throw in Mr. 4th Quarter, the man known as Troutlaw, and you should be shaking in your boots. Oden>Bynum (and less hurt!), LMA>Big Bird, and Roy ain’t no ko-bitch (thank god!), but he ain’t far behind, and he’s much younger! Get used to the 2nd Round playoff beatdowns, because they’ll be becoming quite common in faker-land.
laker fan: Whatever, I don’t even know why I’m talking to you, you’re just a stupid Blazer fan. Get back to me when you guys win a championship.
Me: Well, we did. 1977. Often regarded as one of the best teams in NBA history.
laker fan: HA! One championship? We have 14. Loser. Just you watch, the lakers are gonna dominate for the next decade!
Me: Umm. Sure. Except that you’re star player is getting older, and the cast around him is good, but not great. You go and try to win a ring with Pau and Odom as major pieces. Good luck with that. Once kobe starts his slide, it’s all over for you faker fans! Plus, Portland is already wHoopin their asses, and they’re the 3rd youngest team EVER!
laker fan: That don’t matter. It’s kobe. We’re the lakers. We’ve won 14 championships.
Me: Ummm…. What does that have to do with anything?
laker fan: It matters, cause we’re the lakers. We win championships. We’ve won 14!
Me: Cool! Get used to that number, because it ain’t changing for a while there, buddy!
laker fan: Nope. kobe’s the best ever. He’ll win us a couple more. I mean, c’mon! We’re the lakers! We’ve won 1, 2, 3, 4… 14 championships! You’re the Blazers. You won one championship, and it was 30 years ago. HAHAHAHAHA!
Me: I get it. You were good. Now, what does that have to do with the present OR the future!?!?!?!!?
laker fan: You don’t get it. We’re THE lakers. We win championships. That’s what we do. We’ve got 14!
Me: Holy crap! Welcome to 2008, bucko! The past doesn’t matter. It’s all about the future, and the future is the Portland Trail Blazers, bitch! Get used to it!
laker fan: 14 rings!
Me [shaking head]: Wow. You don’t get this whole past, present, future thing, do ya? I don’t even know why I bother.
I’ve had some variation of that conversation with AT LEAST 10 laker fans. Each time it ends the EXACT same way. laker fan stops using basketball points (assuming they started using basketball points in the first place), and starts yelling, louder and louder, how many championships they’ve won, like it’s the determining factor in who gets to play in the Finals each year. It’s a similar argument that gets made by idiot fans of the “dominant” team in any sport. Cowboy fan. yankee fan. Whatever the cocky ass team is in the NHL. Except that with laker fan, it makes less sense. Sure, they’ve been one of the premier NBA teams for decades, but why trumpet the fact that you’ve won 14 championships (with 5 of them coming in Minneapolis, over FIFTY years ago), when there is a team in Boston who can simply tap you on the shoulder, and shut you up with one word. Sixteen.
What kind of idiot fans use “We’re #2!” as their trump card? What kind of team expects a championship, not because of their players, but because of their team name? What kind of bandwagon is overflowing with people who aren’t even sure what the bandwagon is for, just that everyone they know is on it?
Yes, you guessed it. The worst kind there is. The laker kind.
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